I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.