reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.