Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks