Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*