Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Same pineapple, same
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“TGIM!” – My liver
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.