ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?