Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
look at me when i’m typing to you
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My birthstone is kidney
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you