The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.