I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Breaking news:
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.