WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*