The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.