How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”