Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
🙀🙀🙀😹
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*