One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.