<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
synchronized noseblowing
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Breaking news:
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.