Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*