Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over