sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day