Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You Might Also Like
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats