*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.