My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.