“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.