Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My time has come.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it