Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Its true…
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.