I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.