Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.