My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.