My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
When they try to steal your moment.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*