Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous