Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Well, that didn’t work.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
They’re on their honeymoon
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently