never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
The days of good grammer has went
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.