Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.