Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.