interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My favorite farside!!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…