As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
You Might Also Like
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”