My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Hot Hot Hot
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*