Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
That earthquake could have been an email.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.