mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: