Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.