Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
no such thing as a dumb question
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.