First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.