People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.