If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hey I worked for it too!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
excuse me
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.