my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.