[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I put the p in pants.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family