Me: 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you鈥檇 have Twitter.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Once it鈥檚 in the oven I don鈥檛 really care why the chicken crossed the road.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn鈥檛 unboxed 5 minutes ago.
This Halloween I鈥檓 going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn鈥檛 even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
When you鈥檙e 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they鈥檙e all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That鈥檚 me in a nutshell.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I鈥檓 up!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Active Yeast: Let鈥檚 make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let鈥檚 stay in bed man
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn鈥檛 any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.