My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
You Might Also Like
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan