“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.