WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.