guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Love is always patient and kind.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.